ahhh...

I wonder if anyone's reading this?

Lately, I've been reading a lot of memoirs. One thing I have to be careful about is falling into the so-called "trap of misery lit," where authors might present fiction as fact. The reason I like reading memoirs isn't for the "misery" part. Many memoirs aren't miserable at all. They're just interesting. What draws me in is the unique insight

irreversibly defiled

These past few days, I've been feeling utterly disgusted with myself, to the point of nausea. I try so hard not to, but memories keep ambushing me. Memories of myself as a small child, doing things that even grown adults wouldn't do in the privacy of their own bedrooms. Each time, I feel sick to my stomach and utterly overwhelmed with shame. I absolutely despise t

nearly committed

Confiding too much in my therapist proved to be a fatal mistake. After a series of events, I was summoned by a doctor. He inquired about my suicide attempt and proceeded to insult me, suggesting I was treating those close to me with cruelty. He described my recent attempt as "pathetic" and looked at me with disgust. Then he asserted that I must lack a conscience and sh

safe parent

I love my mother. I always thought she was the best parent I could have asked for. Of course, that was in comparison to my father. In short, my father was a violent, drug-addicted idiot. My parents hated each other.

My mother encouraged my passions and cherished them. She was always so proud of the things I drew and made. She always asked if school was going well and was g

the most boring blog in history

The more I write here, and the more I read my own posts, the less I want to make them public. This is just an endless stream of complaints. For months, I've just been whining and whining. Even this post is just a complaint. I feel like deleting everything. It's still bearable because it's anonymous, but if it wasn't, I probably wouldn't have shared anyth

i'm actually trying my best

I might come off like I'm not trying at all because of my dumb posts, but that's not the case.

I went to four therapists before meeting my current one, and I finally feel comfortable talking to them. Plus, I'm seeing another therapist for trauma therapy. Well, that's not exactly new. I tried EMDR before, but it didn't work at all. I also took antidepressant

fun train trivia

The optimistic times I wrote about before are over. Didn't last long, did they? Lately, all I can think about is how to die. I'm super afraid of heights, but jumping off this building seems like the quickest way. I can't get to the roof, but there's definitely a way to get to a high place with hardly any railings or fences. I'm thinking about blindfolding myself or doi

making things

Making things is seriously the best. I want to create anything and everything. I love drawing, writing, composing music, and programming. I'm not that great at any of them though (lol).

Since I'm here, let me tell you a bit about how I made this website. I wrote the web server myself. The server monitors a directory where I save my posts as HTML files. Wh

cautious optimism

Things aren't too bad right now. I haven't had any panic attacks in the middle of the night, and everything just feels a little easier to do. I don't know why, and it's kind of scary. I get these periods sometimes. But it's temporary. It could be over in a day, or it could last a few weeks.

It's hard to enjoy it, ironically, because I know it's goin

no more self harm

When I get overwhelmed or completely hopeless, I have a tendency to hurt myself. I tell myself that it's better than attempting suicide as an excuse, but that's just an excuse. The truth is, if I really tried, I could stop self-harm for a while.

That's my challenge right now. I've run out of things to treat my injuries with, so I'm going to use that as a deterr

money's scary, huh?

Sometimes I think about money and having to work to live. Well, everyone worries about that, right? It's overwhelming when I think that my income isn't a given. It could suddenly disappear. The people I support are relying on it too. If it were just me, I wouldn't care so much. I'm gonna die anyway. But it's still scary. It might be a contradiction, but...

adjusting behavior

There may be times when you wish people would act differently. For example, let's say you want someone to invite you to a gathering or some kind of social event. If they don't, you feel bad.

In that case, you can ask them to do so next time. Then they will act the way you want them to, and everything will be fine, right? Wrong. You still feel bad. Why? Because the

dreams0

Lately, I've been having the most ordinary dreams. Normal, human-like dreams. Not nightmares!!! Seriously!!!But, for some reason, I get molested in them. It's not like a nightmare, just an unpleasant moment in a normal dream. In the dream, I don't even think of it as a bad thing. I just accept it like it's a joke or something I have to endure. No matter how uncomfortable it

self pity

Self-pity is such an embarrassing and awful feeling. I don't want to tell anyone directly, and I hate for anyone to see me voicing such shameful thoughts, so I'm just gonna spill it here. But it's better than a personal diary because I can at least imagine someone might be listening and understand. Maybe if you read this, you'll feel a little less alone too.

bright moments

I feel like I've been too negative lately, so I'm going to try something different ( ^∇^)

A few days ago, I went to therapy, and the therapist was really kind. Then, I bought some snacks and they were super delicious! Also, I slept really well yesterday. I hope this continues!

what is allowed?

When I try to relax, flashbacks happen. I'm not allowed to calm down. If I distract myself, my sense of responsibility fades, and the structure that supports my life collapses. I'm not allowed to distract myself either. If I face my responsibilities, I can't concentrate, and I can't care about the results, so I stumble and make irreparable mistakes. I'm not a

pathetic

Seriously, I'm so bad at suicide it's laughable! I wonder how many times I've tried. And I've failed every time? Am I an idiot, incompetent, or just a coward? I hate pain, and I don't want to become disabled, so I'm trying unconventional methods that have a low success rate but also low risk. But sometimes I get so desperate that I do stupid thing

those around you

To be honest, I really don't see any hope here. I'm starting to wonder why I'm even doing this. I feel totally abandoned by the people who said they loved me. It's always like this.

They say stuff like that, but when I actually need help, they're nowhere to be found. I get gaslighted with

sleeping again

The only meaning I create is that there is no meaning. Speaking of nothing, I've been in bed for hours. I barely slept last night, and tonight looks like it'll be the same. I've been panicking for two hours. I can't even lie down without some part of my body touching the bed incorrectly. Who cares? Me? That's it, lol. What the hell am I doing? Aaaa

whine

I'm fine. Just really tired. I'm complaining again. Oh, poor me. Because I was sexually abused as a child, I won't be loved anymore!! .·´¯`(>▂<)´¯`·. Stop whining. Seriously, shut up! It's annoying.

unfair stuff

Seriously the worst! I'm wasting my youth! My childhood was taken away, and this is supposed to be my best time. But it won't last much longer. My teens were all about self-harm and suicide attempts. And now? I'm 23. My youth is ending, and I haven't accomplished anything. So unfair. I want to die.

structure

Lately, I've been consumed by this feeling. There's no guarantee that stories have happy endings. Actually, life doesn't even have a structure. I'm done. Life was never interesting, fun, or anything. I was just born into this world, that's it. Probably, things will be terrible. And then I'll die. The idea that life has inherent value is just something w

remembering youth

I don't really remember much before I turned 16. That's when I started being aware of things, I guess. Ended up trying to kill myself just a year later. Before that, it's all just bad memories. Getting beat up by teachers and students at school, my mom getting beat up by my dad, being sexually abused, being betrayed by friends, being made a scapegoat by teache

shattered assumptions

When I think about things like dying, living, coping, or treatment, my thoughts immediately jump and I start thinking about how grand concepts relate to this shitty situation. It all becomes totally incomprehensible. The incomprehensibility itself feels idiotic. Is it normal to feel like I've lost my sense of standards? Like there's no such thing as

defiance

What is the point of my defiance?

sensory flashback

Okay, I cut myself. Just had the weirdest flashback from simply smelling the room. His attic had a distinctive scent.

sudden death

Life isn't a structured story, it's seriously weird. All kinds of things happen for no reason. It's full of cruel stuff. Even right now, a boiler could explode and a piece could stab you in the head, killing you instantly, that kind of thing is totally possible.

bright and quiet

I can't talk to anyone...

I feel nauseous. My stomach is upset for some unknown reason. I really hate this feeling. Whenever this happens, a hopeless, meaningless, hellish sensation appears in my head. I wonder if this is physiological? Also, I constantly feel like I have acid reflux. The last one is new. I'm used to the others, but they al

wednesday night

Nobody gives a shit. I'm just gonna say it. You say you want to protect the kids, but really you just want child abuse to disappear, right? That's never gonna happen. That's why you turn a blind eye.

For instance, I had a teacher strip me and assault me. The school said I could sue, but you know what my parents did? Nothing. Seriously. They didn't e

stuck

I feel like I'm trapped somewhere and can't escape. Everything seems unreal, like I'm in a made-up world. I'm not really in trouble, but I feel kind of numb. I want to die.

showering and so on

I can barely bring myself to take a shower. I used to love showers. It was my safe space. Quiet, I could lock the door, no one was there, the sound of the water drowned everything out, it was warm, humid, and clean. I want to go back to those days.

But now, I seriously panic, and I'm super aware of how my body is positioned on the floor. I'm ser

quarter

In bed, 6 AM. Haven't slept at all for the past hour and a half. My neck hurts, I'm thirsty, seriously, give me a break. Today's gonna be a shitty day for sure. I can't fucking deal with this. I'm so over it.

More than a quarter of my life is already over. My entire existence. There's no going back. So? Am I gonna spend the next 10 years recovering from PTSD? S

power

You're wrong. Resources, history, ability... none of that matters here. You can't even imagine that someone being tortured every day could change their way of thinking and somehow make things better. In that situation, it's morally right to kill them. If the situation is visually and physically brutal, everyone should intuitively feel that way.

For some reason, we do

dad0

My father comes to visit sometimes, but he gets way too close. He still doesn't get it at all. It's creepy, but he touches my body sometimes. I think he thinks it's funny, and he probably doesn't mean any harm. But he touches my butt and boobs, so I get seriously jumpy and tell him to knock it off. And he's like, "Shut up, I made you, so I own you." It's been like this sin

friendship

Throughout school, I was betrayed by both adults and students. I was beaten up, choked, made fun of, and left all alone by people pretending to be my friends. That wasn't friendship. I think this experience made me wary of the whole idea of "friends." My standards for what I call a friend are super high. I was attacked and humiliated by teachers, and my

shameful

When I was 17, I kinda messed around with some guys I met online. There was nothing physical, but we chatted and stuff. Totally legal, but looking back, it was totally wrong. They were really into how young I was and how I looked (I look younger than I am, and I'm short). I liked that. Plus, I've had this kinda messed up fantasy about being used by older

shower0

Hey, I have a bit of a weird question. Since becoming a teenager, showers have become my sanctuary. You can probably imagine why. But when I'm in there for over an hour, I start feeling kind of strange. It's closest to homesickness, but not quite.

What do you think this feeling is?