what is allowed?

When I try to relax, flashbacks happen. I'm not allowed to calm down. If I distract myself, my sense of responsibility fades, and the structure that supports my life collapses. I'm not allowed to distract myself either. If I face my responsibilities, I can't concentrate, and I can't care about the results, so I stumble and make irreparable mistakes. I'm not allowed to work.

What's left? Just crying in bed until I'm exhausted and fall asleep, only to repeat the same thing 3 hours later. Temporary improvements only bring instability and disappointment when the inevitable relapse occurs. I have to admit it. There's nothing left here worth this much anymore.