pathetic

Seriously, I'm so bad at suicide it's laughable! I wonder how many times I've tried. And I've failed every time? Am I an idiot, incompetent, or just a coward? I hate pain, and I don't want to become disabled, so I'm trying unconventional methods that have a low success rate but also low risk. But sometimes I get so desperate that I do stupid things. Last week, when I tried to hang myself, the rope broke before my neck did. I fell to the ground in a daze, totally spaced out. I tried again yesterday, this time with a stronger rope. But the thing I was standing on broke, and I almost suffocated. For some reason, I ended up saving myself. I really hate it when that happens. When I lifted myself up (superhuman strength?) and fell to the ground, all I could think about was trying again. But my neck hurt too much, and I was seriously exhausted. When I was cleaning up, I felt like such an idiot.