showering and so on

I can barely bring myself to take a shower. I used to love showers. It was my safe space. Quiet, I could lock the door, no one was there, the sound of the water drowned everything out, it was warm, humid, and clean. I want to go back to those days.

But now, I seriously panic, and I'm super aware of how my body is positioned on the floor. I'm seriously screwed up. I have to fight off panic attacks over and over. I used to love showers so much. It's seriously depressing. Even touching my own body, I have to do it slowly and carefully, or I feel like I'm gonna break down.

Why? I've looked up ways to help or deal with this, but all I get are annoying alternative suggestions.